Paranormal Activity

So, a while back I did a shortened script deal for Lord Of The Rings: The Something Something, and it was pretty terrible. However, I did another one. Most of you probably already saw this when I posted it FB, but I’m also gonna chuck it here for the sake of completeness.

[The movie opens with a man who has recently bought a new camera, because... well, uh, hmm. Well, he has a new camera, and he's happy to show it around. He does this by giving the audience quick shots of his unbelievably elegant mansion of a house, before his girlfriend gets home.]

Katie [Girlfriend]: Hi Micah! You’re bought a massive camera, how did you afford it?  I’m concerned about it, despite the fact we obviously have millions of dollars.

Micah: Oh, the same way I afforded this entire house.

Katie: Oh, excellent. Anyway, remember how there’s all this freaky shit that happens to me? Well now that it’s happening again, I’ve set up an appointment with a psychic who can help us, because that’s the logical thing to do.

Micah: WHAT.  That’s retarded! All he’s going to do is try to trick you! Or something! I’m not really too clear on why I’m being such a douche about this, when you’re obviously frightened!

Katie: Well, he’s coming anyway. Now that we’ve resolved this issue, let’s act like we’re a happy couple, and not a pair of actors placed together with no chemistry.

[The "couple" set up a camera in the bedroom to catch any kind of paranormal activity going down, and settle in for the night. The next morning:]

Katie: My keys are on the ground.

Micah: Meh.

[Audience: Meh.]

[Micah and Katie go for a swim, where Micah behaves like a friendly kinda guy, giving the camera the finger and all. Also, the outside of their house is even better than the inside, which again raises the issue of HOW THE HELL THEY CAN AFFORD TO LIVE THERE. Luckily enough, this is answered by.... wait, no, it's never answered. Anyway, the psychic appears whilst Micah and Katie discuss how weird shit has been happening]

Katie: Hi, how are y-

Psychic: Woah, shit. This is not a ghost, this is a demon. I know a guy, he’ll come and fix this right up. I can’t do it, but as long as you aren’t complete dickheads, and don’t pointlessly antagonize it, if you call him tomorrow he can fix it.

Micah: WHATEVER MAN, I DON’T EVEN LIKE, BELIEVE IN GHOSTS AND THINGS, LIKE, WHATEVER.

Katie: Okay, we’ll call him. Thanks for your help!

Psychic: No worries. Remember, it’ll all be fine if you aren’t just dickheads to the demon.

Micah: LOL WHATEVER.

[Another night time scene, this time a door moves without anyone touching it, and without any wind. They get this on camera, and watch the footage the next day]

Micah: Fuck, that door moved.

Katie: That’s actually pretty good evidence, considering that I’ve had serious beliefs that I’m being haunted. I’ll take this as a confirmation that I’m being haunted then.

Micah: Are you going to… I dunno… freak the fuck out or something? Considering that is a validation of long-held fears?

Katie: Nah, I’m gonna have some coffee. Might call that demonologist guy that was recommended to us.

Micah: *arbitrary skepticism*

Katie: Give me one good reason not to call him?

Micah: …

Katie: Okay then, I’ll put off calling him.

[Audience: :O "what"]

[Back to bed, there's a few seconds of silence before Katie suddenly jolts upright, and starts sobbing]

Katie: OH BOLLOCKS. Oh wait, it was just a nightmare. Jesus

Micah: Bitch, I was sleeping.

Katie: Well, maybe I should get back to

[A loud thud and smash are heard downstairs]

Micah: Welp, better go find out what that was.

[Micah leaps out of bed and merrily runs downstairs, where there is a chandelier rocking back and forth. Seriously, a chandelier. Is he selling drugs on the side? Is that what this is, just a bad trip?]

Micah: Yeah, you’d better run, you fucking demon! I’ll kick your ass!

Katie: Maybe you shouldn’t antagonize the dem-

Micah: Shut up.

[Micah and Katie look around in the dark a bit more, and then go back to bed.]

Micah: So, now that I fought the demon off, maybe we could-

[A loud howl and thud is heard from downstairs]

Micah: FUCK

Katie: Aaaargh!

[At this point, Micah stops acting like a douche and actually starts trying to resolve the issue in a productive manner. Haha, just kidding, he acts like a juvenile dickhead and tries to antagonize the demon again so he can film it, and sell the video. That's not a joke, he is that dumb. Oh, and by this point, the demon is clearly just doing this stuff for shits and giggles. Anyway, the next morning:]

Katie: That was the most terrifying, traumatic experience of my life.

Micah: Yeah. It was scary, but shit DAMN, I am going to make so much money off your misfortune. I think I’m going to make a pyrmaid of blocks of cocaine, and cover it in gold with the money I get from this. I’ll get you a treat too.

Katie: Well, obviously the best thing we could do is stay here in this house and do the exact same thing over and over, and not call the demon guy who could help.

Micah: Sorry, what was that? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of the obscenities I was yelling at the demon.

[For the next week and a bit, more and more shit happens, with Micah being an absolute dickhead for no reason, and Katie becoming more and more traumatised. Rather than trying to leave, or do anything remotely helpful, Micah adopts the following stance:]

Micah: “Nobody gets to come into my house, and mess with my girlfriend and get away with it!” [Note: This is pretty much a direct quote]

Katie: Not even a demon?

Micah: NOT EVEN A DEMON.

[He proceeds to make a series of plans, which somehow the demon gets around. This amazes Micah, despite the fact that the demon can obviously hear what he is saying, and in every instance takes care to scare the shit out of them.]

Katie: What are you doing?

Micah: I’m putting powder on the floor, so that if the demon walks through it, he’ll leave footprints, and we’ll be able to see them!

Katie: But we already know there is a demon. How does this help?

Micah: ….

Katie: …

Micah: I’m really starting to get sick of you, you know that?

[The two of them drift off to sleep, only to be woken up by some footsteps.]

Katie: The fuck was that?

[She looks down and sees footprints leading up to the bed, and understandably freaks the fuck out]

Micah: What is it? OH SHIT FUCK ME.

Katie: OH GOD NO

Micah: They only lead in! THEY ONLY LEAD IN OH GOD.

[The two of them take their sweet-ass time getting out of the room, considering that there is an invisible fucking demon in it, and they run around panicking for a while]

Micah: I’m gonna crawl around in the roof

Katie: k

[Somehow it isn't a trap, and they find a photo of Katie when she was younger. The night now over, they go back into the room with the invisible demon they know was in there that might still be in there, and go to sleep]

Katie: I’m going to call that demonologist in the morning and get this fixed. I won’t call him now, you know. No hurries.

[That morning]

Demon Guys Receptionist: He’s in like… France or something. Call back later.

Katie: GODDAMNIT.

[That night]

Micah: So yeah, I’m like, all in control of this situation? I could fuck that demon up. Look at my biceps. Look at them. Anyway, I know that you told me not to buy a Ouija board, because every single source we’ve had has said it would be a bad idea, so I didn’t.

Katie: Good.

Micah: I borrowed one :D

Katie: WHAT THE FUCK, ARE YOU KIDDING

Micah: But babe!

[Katie runs off sobbing]

Micah: Bitches man, they’re crazy.

[The Ouija board catches fire after moving around a little bit]

Micah: I knew this was a good idea!

[The two of them make up, and are AGAIN BACK IN THE SAME BED THEY'VE BEEN HAUNTED IN BEFORE. Who says they're in a rut? Anyway, the demon is kind of sick of their shit, and is now going for full strength mindfuck. The two of them are sleeping, so what does he do? SLAMS THE FUCKING DOOR]

Katie: Oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

Micah: Oh shit! I’ll get out there and fuck him up! Nobody gets to wake me up!

[Micah goes to open the door, when the demon starts absolutely hammering on it. You can almost hear his laughter. Micah decides that he can totally take the demon, and rips the door open and charges out. Katie runs out after him, because hey, damned if you do, damned if you don't, right?]

Katie: shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit

Micah: WHERE ARE YOU

[The door to their bedroom slams shut.]

Micah: AHA, GOT YOU NOW.

[There's nobody in there! Or at least, they can't see anyone! This is enough reason for them both to go in there and sleep again, despite the fact that the demon is repeatedly shown to be invisible. The next morning, the demon strikes again!]

Katie: So, I called that psychic again, he’ll be here soon. It’s not his field of expertise, but he could help, right?

Micah: Katie, you know I don’t believe in ghosts.

Katie: …

[There is a loud thud from upstairs. The two of them run up there and see that the demon has clawed a picture of them both, except he's only clawed the side with Micah on it. I shit you not, he says:]

Micah: Fuck! How come my face is scratched and yours isn’t?

Katie: Something’s here!

Micah: *sulkily* this is bullshit

[Sometimes these things write themselves. The doorbell rings]

Katie: Oh thank god you’re here, things have gotten so much wor-

Psychic: FUCK ME, WHAT DID YOU DO.

Katie: You’ve got to help us!

Psychic: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. You are FUCKED.

[He runs away]

Katie: Oh.

Micah: It’s okay, I’ll punch the demon! Right in the face.

Katie: Oh, shut the fuck up, Micah.

[They make up again, and decide that tempting fate is simply too fun to ignore. They sleep in the SAME BED, and are AMAZED when the demon decides that enough is enough, and FORCIBLY DRAGS KATIE OUT OF THE BED.]

Katie: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

Micah: I’ll save you!

[Somehow Micah is stronger than a being spawned of pure malevolence and hatred, and who is able to set shit on fire with his mind, become invisible and move at seemingly infinite speeds, and who has the strength to forcibly drag someone out of their bed and along a hallway. Yay Micah.]

Katie: I think it bit me.

[She shows the camera what looks suspiciously like a hickey]

Micah: GODDAMN DEMON BEEN MAKING OUT WITH MAH GURL.

[They take the hint, and spend the rest of the night on the couch. Katie becomes less and less coherent, and drops into what is pretty clearly a possessed state.]

Micah: It might have taken two weeks, and literal attacks by a demon on my life, but I’ve decided we should get out of here. Wait, why are you clutching a bloody crucifix?

Katie:  Oh, you know. Shits and giggles. You know what would be a good idea? Staying here tonight!

Micah: Uh, what? But, there’s like, ghosts and shit?

Katie:  I thought you didn’t believe in ghosts?

Micah: Oh, right.

[So they stay the night. Katie is now talking with the voices of other people, but Micah seems pretty cool with it. Again, they decide to sleep in the haunted bed. Yaaaaay.]

The Demon: THATS IT

[Katie gets up and walks downstairs, and before long:]

Katie: AAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaARARARAFGHASGHASG

Micah: I’ll save you!

Micah: AAAARAHHGAAGHASGJGKHJH

[There is silence, and a minute or so passes with nothing. All of a sudden, WHAM. Body to the camera. Katie walks up, covered in blood, and gives Micah's cooling body a good sniff. Noticing the camera, she grins and eats it. Wat.]

The End!